I don’t know what switched. Before, I wanted to shrink inside of myself. Hide away from what I looked like, sounded like, acted like. You know, bury my personality in something better. I wanted to alter myself and shrink into this beautiful, confident, unrealistic version of a person who everybody adored.
I seriously used to avoid pictures. I hated seeing myself on the screen or in the frame, sat beside beauty and allowing me to compare myself to everything surrounding my blemished composition. I hid away in my bedroom, in my books, in my television shows because I was ashamed of how I looked. It was a fucked up way of living and thinking, and now that I look back on it, I just want to give the old-me a hug (or a slap across the face, I still can’t decide which).
I don’t know what changed but I can’t help but chalk it up to my anti-depressants and anxiety medication. Now, I’m confident. There’s no other way to put it. I’m not worried about boys liking me, I don’t think my personality is too loud or “too much” and I don’t think I’m ugly or fat by any means. Maybe it’s my anti-depressants or maybe I’m just growing up and finally allowing myself to be comfortable and actually like who I am as a person. I simply just don’t care about those things anymore, and it’s freeing.
I still wake up ashamed of some things. Like today I wanted to wake up early to work out, but I slept in. I wanted to eat healthy but I ate about ten chicken wings for lunch. I don’t think things like that ever go away but I also don’t see anything wrong with wanting to improve yourself little by little everyday, especially when it comes to your health. I give myself permission to beat myself up over stuff like that. As long as I’m still happy.
I’m happy to be back, writing on my blog. My ex-boyfriend caused me to stop writing because he found this after I told him not to go looking for it. I know that’s my fault. Why put this on the internet if you don’t want the people closest to you to see it? Well, I feel like I have a solid community here. And I don’t want to lose that…..
Each paragraph is a series of pointless rambles, but I’m sincerely doing what makes me happy. I just want to get this all down in writing incase my old self ever creeps back into the beautiful, confident, and exciting picture.